The Blame Game

As I reread by first blog entry I was struck by how angry I still seem one year after my lung cancer diagnosis. What am I so mad about? How far does it go back? Who am I mad at? I am going to try and look at that. See what I can find out. Figure out what to do with that anger. Where to put it, how to resolve it, how to put it to rest.

Was I angry with the doctor? Yes, I was. She was arrogant, did not listen to me and actually shushed me, put up her index figure and told me we were discussing my diabetes and we would discuss the terrible problem I was having with my cough when SHE said we were ready to do that. She was focused on solving my out of control blood sugar problem and took it as a personal challenge to solve this concern. She did a Happy Dance when one of my readings showed a slight improvement one month. It was all about HER! It was all about being successful with this challenge. She cared nothing about me and my suffering. She was annoyed that her efforts were not bringing good results. I was intimidated by her. I sat in an exam room waiting for her one day for 2 ½ hours. By the time we left her staff had already left for the day. I had taken off unpaid time from work to be on time for my appointment.

At one point I called her after hours and told her my vomiting was so concerning that I wanted her to admit me to the hospital or give me a more viable suggestion. She prescribed a rectal suppository for nausea relief. In the end I took myself to the hospital and she was not involved. Since she was listed as the primary care doctor, a copy of the biopsy results were sent to her. She called me at my home, at 8pm at night, I was home alone, and she proceeded to tell me I had lung cancer. She had not seen me at the hospital, had not been consulted and had not performed the biopsy, but she wanted to be the one to tell me first. Like a 2^nd grader with a secret. She had no idea how I would react. She did not ask if I had someone home with me. She did not ask me if I was okay before she said good bye.

 After the pulmonary doctor gave me my results in his office the next morning I told him my primary care doctor had spilled the beans the night before, while I was home alone. I asked him if he would call her and let her know that her actions were inappropriate and that she NEVER do that to a patient again. I could tell he was very angry with her, even though he did not say so. He said his policy was always to meet with his patients and look them in the face while he gave them their biopsy results. To be sure they understood, to be sure they were okay, to be sure they knew what to do next. The last words I heard as my husband and I left the pulmonary doctor’s office that day were the low growl of him saying, “Get Dr. W******** on the phone,” Finally, someone who was concerned about me.

Was I angry at the cancer? As strange as it sounds, not really. Cancer is what it is; it does what it is meant to do. Sometimes you unconsciously give it human qualities or motivations. I talk about it using phrases like, “My cancer”, as though it were a pet, or a normal body organ. Other than being dismayed at the symptoms and damage that my cancer has caused my body, I don’t put a lot of blame or have a lot of anger towards cancer.

I was angry at myself for putting off getting a diagnosis sooner. The reasons for that were other sources of anger for me. My health insurance was the cheapest, lowest level, highest deductible insurance we could get. The plan is not even offered anymore. Because I had diabetes I could only get insurance with one company in the state of Michigan. Anyone with lower cost plans would not accept me because I had the pre-existing condition of diabetes. So, why was I shopping for a private insurance plan? I had worked nine years for a family owned grocery chain that sold out just before the economy took such a terrible turn. They all got out of the company as millionaires. The chain was purchased by Spartan Stores. I spent the next year learning new bookkeeping procedures, new computer systems, rules and regulations. 14-16 hour days were not uncommon in the early months of the transition. I gave everything I had to learn my new job, to be prepared.  I gave it my all and was beginning to be comfortable and confident.

Part way through the year I moved back to the store location closer to home for me. My 17 year old daughter was having a baby. I needed to have a more flexible schedule and be closer to home. In November we were given the news that our location would be sold to another grocery store owner. We thought as full time, long term employees, that we would be offered positions at other store locations to keep our benefits and seniority. We were wrong. I lost my health insurance, my life insurance and my vacation time. And Spartan Stores did not even blink an eye. The Human Resource manager at our mass involuntary dismissal even told me they would deny our claims for unemployment. They were just closing a store. I was too trusting to look into it. Was I angry? Yes, I was and I guess I still am. I have just pulled out the remaining 401K that I had left from working for the grocery chain. I need to use it for medical and personal expenses. Money is very tight. Cancer treatment is very expensive. Do I have any life insurance to help pay off bills after I am gone. No, it was so expensive to keep the policy I had had been paying into with the grocery chain, that I could not afford to keep it.

So, I moved on. I took a job on the west side of the state near our cottage (a remodeled single wide on 10 acres of woods and sand dunes). We wanted to retire out there, eventually and I hoped I could establish myself in the area. I got the opportunity to work for Whirlpool Corporation as a contract worker. I was told their intention was to hire permanent full time workers. Do a good job, prove yourself, be dependable….So, here was the opportunity to get benefits again! It meant living apart from my husband during the week. I was alone with my 2 dogs during the week.  Here was another chance for health care, life insurance in case ANYTHING happened, vacation time again! It was a couple of years since I had had a vacation. It meant HOPE for me. I put aside my loneliness and the pressures of learning to live alone. I learned to run a snow blower so I could clean out the driveway from those lake effect snow storms. I drove to work on a sheet of ice after an ice storm. Many folks that lived in town did not make it to work that day. But, that is the type of person I am. When I have a commitment, I keep it. I did everything I was asked to do at Whirlpool. I improved my skills; I became one of the best performers in my department. I went outside my comfort zone and got socially involved.

 During this time my cancer was creeping up on me. Silently spreading through my body. Making life harder and harder, although I did not know why. I have already talked about my experience with my doctor. My friends at work knew there was something wrong and suggested a new doctor or additional visits. I was worried about all the uncovered costs for my office visits and spending another “new patient fee” at a new doctor’s office. In April we (there were quite a number of contract workers at Whirlpool) were informed our contracts would not be renewed in October which would be the two year mark for me. So, was I angry? Yes, I was sick, I was beaten down and all I had worked for was being jerked out from under me. Again. So, how did this happen to me? How far back did this go? What choices had I made in life had brought me to this point? I do believe everything happens for a reason. That life is not random, that someone is looking out for me. So why did this seem so wrong all at once? I was losing my job, my chance of security and then a lung cancer diagnosis. Why had I not prepared myself for this? Was this my fault? Who could I blame? How would I cope? I could feel everything in my life that I had ever worked for or loved moving away from me at the speed of light. I felt my life was entirely out of my control. Was I angry about that? I think at that point I felt more defeated than angry. Lower than I had ever felt. Was I blaming myself? How had I become this person who was not good enough for Whirlpool to hire? I will leave that to think about another day.