And It Begins

So, last year on this day in August I sat in the office of a pulmonary specialist who had performed a bronchoscopy on me removing tissue for a biopsy. "You have lung cancer," he said to me. I was numb.

I had been sick for over a year not feeling well for 3 or 4 years. After that long, not feeling well became my normal. But about a year before my diagnosis I had symptoms I could not ignore: severe nausea, vomiting, severe cough, coughing up clots of thick mucus, loss of voice, severe pain in hip, thigh and shoulder, breathlessness at simple tasks, severe fatigue, diabetes out of control, hypertension out of control.

My primary care physician had been flailing along looking for answers, prescribing more medications for diabetes with no results and trying to refer me to a low income medical clinic because my insurance would not pay for the high priced diabetes medications she said would cure me. She told me I had tied her hands by not being able to afford the $650.00/month medication she wanted to prescribe. Her office was not equipped with Social Workers to help people like me with poor health insurance. She could not see what was right in front of her face. Severe cough, low grade fever. I was a NEVER smoker. Lung cancer never entered her mind. She finally ordered an x-ray and diagnosed bronchitis, she ordered a second round of steroids and antibiotics when first round did not clear the image on the x-ray of my lungs, unable to sleep and vomiting persistently. The last straw for me was passing out. I had my husband take me to an emergency room. They did x-rays, then CT scans. The ER doctor came in to see me. They would order a bronchoscopy and biopsy for the next morning. Probable lung cancer. Are you a smoker? Me: No, never...how could this happen.

The next morning was the biopsy. I don't know the date. But the 9th of August will never leave me. You have lung cancer. My life was changed forever. My job was over. Referrals to an oncologist, paperwork for a handicapped permit for my car, a move to my parents to be closer to my treatment center for chemotherapy...

I had known something was wrong, but this?

 I remember driving to work with plastic grocery bags next to me in case I had to vomit. I remember vomiting into a bag while driving to work. I remembering bring a fresh, clean shirt to change into in case I missed the bag. I remember thinking this is crazy! I am sick and I am going to work! I am vomiting into my wastebasket because I could not make it to the restroom at the other end of the building. Worrying about the housekeeping lady that would have to empty the basket. I always tied closed the bag and kept a fresh one to line it. How did I let things go so far?

Lung cancer symptoms happen slowly over time. They sneak up on you. Until you are so sick that you can no longer ignore them. The worst part is that my cancer was spread all through my body by this time. By the time I met with my oncologist 2 weeks, a CT scan, PET scan, MRI and x-rays later, I was Stage IV. "We can not cure you. We can only provide you palliative care. We will try to keep you comfortable and extend your life as much as we can." Comfortable? Chemotherapy is the next chapter. Comfortable? Hardly...